No discussion of finances and frugality is complete without addressing the issue of the social mirror. The social mirror is how you perceive yourself in relationship to others. If everyone you know is at about your same level of income or just as frugal as you, it’s easier to live simply. You choose your priorities and focus on them. The season of my life in which I was making $1200 a month was rough, but I was humbled by the daily visual reminder that things could be worse: the family next door to us had three young children to care for on top of the same expenses we had. Many of my fellow graduate students were parenting with no stipend of any kind. On the other hand, if you are surrounded by people who are financially better off (or even just spendier) than you, things can get very frustrating very quickly. It is possible to be at the height of one’s earning power and creature comforts without being able to enjoy it because you feel poor compared to your friends. In high school, I enjoyed all kinds of pleasures I can’t afford now, but most of my friends came from better-off families. In my better moments, I could roll my eyes at the cash thrown at school banquets. Spending over $100 for a dress meant to be worn at just one banquet really is kind of silly, and I was proud of my ability to find equally gorgeous gowns at local thrift stores for ridiculously low prices. Other times. . . of course it bothered me. I’m only human, after all. I could easily sidetrack into a number of examples of this, but it’s not worth dwelling on because, at the end of the day, financial diversity is just a part of life. People are not good or bad based on their financial status, and why shouldn’t those who are better off enjoy what they have? Also, any accounting of those frustrations would distort the fact that having better-off friends gave me a number of enjoyable experiences I would not have had otherwise. The social mirror is like a fun house mirror: it can distort the real picture of how well you are (or aren’t) doing. If you constantly compare yourself to your better-off friends, you will not as easily enjoy what you do have. If you constantly compare yourself to your friends who are having a hard time financially, you may find yourself growing arrogant about your own financial skills and status. If you “keep your eyes on your own paper,” as your elementary teacher would say, you’re more likely to see and use your money well. Simplicity can be empowering because it gives you permission to remind yourself that your goals are more important than the social mirror. You are more important than the social mirror. You are no less of a person because you either can’t or choose not to spend money at the same rate as your peers. The more you discipline yourself in this kind of focus, the more you will be suited to enjoy money if and when you do have plenty. There are few things as satisfying as purchasing something you truly desire for yourself, knowing you can actually afford it because you made more disciplined choices earlier on. There’s more pleasure in enjoying something you actually waited for and earned than in something you mindlessly bought to keep up with others and will have to continue paying for over the course of time. Because I buy used cars to be able to pay in cash, I have never personally owned a new car. Would I like a nicer car? Sure! However, I take a great deal of joy from knowing that if I lose my car in an accident, I won’t be stuck making payments to a bank for a car that no longer exists. My fully owned Ford Fiesta is more precious in my sight than a Lamborghini with a loan the size of a small mortgage. Dave Ramsey is fond of saying in his Financial Peace University, “If you live like no one else, someday day you can live like no one else.” Living frugally around spendy people can feel strange, but having the discipline to live within your means around rich or spendy people now will put you on a better footing to enjoy more later on. It also gives you clearer vision with which to evaluate what you’re getting. Sometimes, the less expensive things are legitimately more enjoyable than their pricier counterparts, which only cost more because of cultural or social prejudices. One of the opportunities of our current situation is to practice building the financial habits you want without so many of those prejudices getting in the way. While we all mourn the social connection of all the activities we miss, this is a great time to figure out what actually matters and what you do only to appease others. A game night at someone’s house meets the same social needs as going out to a restaurant. Both are equally forbidden right now, but when quarantine breaks, you will get to decide which one is most worth it at its price. Having the clarity to evaluate and enjoy things on their own merits instead of their assigned value from the social mirror can give you a beautiful sort of peace that is entirely unrelated to your financial status. Money buys you options, but not all options are worth taking, even when you can afford them. Some of the best things in life cannot be purchased, and the ability to appreciate that is a priceless treasure.
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AuthorJillian Lutes is the youth pastor at West Covina Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church. Archives
May 2020
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