For a long time, I’ve wanted to offer some practical help to those of you who are parenting during this pandemic. My hands have been tied, however, by the fact that I am not a parent myself and that there are truly no precedents for what we’re going through right now. At this point, though, I have had a chance to hear what different parents are doing that have helped them, and I can pass those along.
1. Treat school as close to the real thing as possible. One parent actually had their kid dress for school, put on their backpack with supplies, march out the door, and then come back in to begin. This may sound a little silly, but think about it: the process of leaving home and driving or walking to school isn’t just a practical matter, but a way that your child’s brain switches gears from “home” mode to “school” mode. Building in a concrete transition at the beginning of the day will better help them to accept virtual school as something to take seriously, rather than as a thing that’s just there to fill time. 2. Make and stick to healthy structures. Because the world outside is a chaotic mess, your kids need structure at home. This means making sure that they get sleep at consistent times, and that the household has at least one or two predictable rhythms to help the kids make sense of the week. Whether this is a daily walk (which may be rather difficult for working parents) or a family meal at the same time every week, it’s important to have something consistent in the middle of all this change. 3. Deliberately provide extra physical affection. Stress produces chemicals that interfere with the brain’s ability to think clearly. When you hug your child or affectionately pat them on the head, it releases a hormone called oxytocin, which is very effective in fighting stress. As an added bonus, its primary function happens to be bonding--this is the powerful stuff that bonds mothers and babies together during breastfeeding--which may actually strengthen your bond with your child in the long run. If they’re old enough to have a conscious opinion on the matter, though, ask for permission first--they need to learn to say “no” to unwanted physical affection respectfully with safe people before they get to a high-pressure dating situation further down the road that requires this skill. 4. Be honest, but positive. These two things may sound at odds with each other, as there are a lot of truly upsetting things going on in the world. However, information itself is neutral--whether it’s positive or negative largely depends on how you frame it. Instead of just “doomscrolling” for the latest way the world is breaking, it’s important to look for instances where progress is being made and teach the kids to do the same. Obviously, if honesty and positivity are in direct conflict, honesty wins--it does more harm in the long run to pretend that the world will be back to normal in just a week or two when you know that won’t be the case. This doesn’t mean that you have to be bleak about it, though. Kids are good enough at being bleak without the help. Consider something like this for example: “We’re not sure when you’ll be able to go back to school and see your friends, but we’re one day closer to it than we were yesterday.” 5. Mind your own emotions. One day, I was teaching the Eager Beaver (Kindergarten) class of my church’s Adventurer’s club, and nothing was working. A lesson plan that kids had loved the previous two years was falling flat. I was bored and struggled to keep the kids engaged--sweet, wonderful kids who had done this lesson plan before and loved it. When I reflected on this after the fact, I had a startling realization: they were bored because I was bored. Young children absorb and sometimes even magnify the emotions of the adults around them. If you’re stressed, your children will be downright anxious. If you’re depressed, your kids will absorb some of that even if you try to hide it. The best investment you can make in your children’s emotional health is to take good care of your own. Of course, you won’t be perfect at this. This is 2020 after all. But taking proper self-care measures for yourself will go a long way towards taking better care of your children. When you do have bad days, it can be very important to let your kids know that your mood is not their fault, that you need space to deal with it, and that it’s fine for them to go do something that makes them happy even if you’re feeling rotten. These things may all seem obvious to you, but most likely need to be spelled out for your inexperienced little ones. You will make mistakes in this area, of course, and it’s good to apologize afterwards. This gives your children an example for how to mend relationships after they make mistakes. 6. Get out of the house. It’s important to remind your kids of the world beyond the screen at least once a week (but preferably almost every day). Screens are not evil, but they do not constitute the entire world. Taking them with you on errands does a beautiful job of getting them out of the house, giving you more interesting things to bond with them over, and giving them a more realistic picture of their future adult responsibilities, too. Nature walks can soothe the tensions of adults and children alike. Giving a child the responsibility to go collect the mail or tend any outdoor space you have will give them a little sun and a small sense of accomplishment and participation. Home can feel very small after being inside it 24/7 for months, and getting each person outside can help recalibrate everyone’s perspective back to a closer approximation of reality. 7. Teach screen-free coping skills. Again, screens are not evil--they help the kids continue their education and connect with friends and family. At the same time, screens tend to involve physical inactivity and lots of exposure to blue light that can disrupt sleep if not managed well. This is where dusting off memories of your computer-free or computer-hard-to-use childhood can be helpful. When was the last time your child played with a physical toy? Or read a physical book? Or made something with their hands? Teaching kids how to wind down at night without screens and how to handle empty hours will reap huge benefits down the road. This is an especially good time to teach kids how to cook, as it is both a creative activity and a practical one. Even if the kids are too young to handle knives, they can still open packages and hand you things from the fridge. One of the biggest developmental dangers of this pandemic is uneven development: minds that stay fairly sharp but hearts and hands that fall behind in emotional and physical mastery. 8. Keep them connected to their grandparents. “Grandparents” here is really a stand-in for any number of caring adults who love your kids and are willing to support them and help them grow. One of the best ways for kids to develop social skills isn’t by leaving them alone with their peers all the time (though that is also good in moderation), but by keeping them in contact with multiple generations. Just like muscles grow stronger from exercises that are less comfortable, social skills are built from encounters with people who are different from us. By giving your child phone or Zoom conversations with people from other generations who care about them, you are giving them a safe place to develop their social skills away from the harsh, unforgiving social media zone that takes no prisoners. For social development, it could also be useful to have the kids take turns planning activities for the household. This will give them a lab for discovering what they and other people enjoy, a process that can be surprising even among adults who have lived together for years. Keep in mind, of course, that if you’re not doing all these things, it doesn’t make you a “bad” parent. There are no uniformly “good” or “bad” parents. There are just people who do the best with what they have to love and raise their kids. You are doing one of the most difficult tasks on the planet, and you deserve a medal for doing it on top of all the insanity the year 2020 has to offer. Instead of rating your parenting as “amazing” or “terrible” overall, it’s more useful to consider, “What can I do better moving forward?” I may not be a parent myself, but as a youth pastor I’ve had a lot of opportunity to consider this dynamic as it relates to aiding in the raising of kids. Trust me when I say that you can only get better at something if you focus on improving the task at hand, rather than reflecting too much on what may have gone wrong in the past. The best days are still ahead and meanwhile, life goes on.
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AuthorJillian Lutes is the youth pastor at West Covina Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church. Archives
May 2020
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